FUNNY STUFF & QUOTES!

FUNNY STUFF & QUOTES!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Here are some hilarious things that have happened or been said or something with some of my great friends! Some are inside jokes but whatever you'll laugh your butts off anyway!!! ENJOY!!!!

I stole this from Allie and it's HILARIOUS!!!
So, what is it??
Schwartzenegger has a big one
Michael J. Fox has a small one
Madonna doesn't have one
The Pope has one but doesn't use his
Clinton uses his all the time
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one
Liberace never used his on women
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's

What is it? the answer is below!
Think about it? What could it possibly be?

The answer is: "A Last Name."
You didn't think It'd be a dirty joke, did you?

Esplanade guy:Can you please clear my walkway
Me:So this is your walkway?
EG:Do you work here?
Me:No, but is this your walkway?
EG:Do you work here?
(this continues for a bit as he follows Allie, Sarah and I to the escalators)

"I like to watch you change"
"Stacy's mom has got it going on"
Camp was way fun!!!!!

Big Surf:giving ice cream to the lifeguard, that kid soo purposely ran into me and threw his raft at me! HAHA

Esplanade people are great!! Example:
"Whats your favorite cereal...We're from Flagsaff, visiting her grandma, we're going to the John Mayer concert."
"Who's John Mayer?"
"He sings 'Your body is a ...' o wait i can't say it it's not true about you"

Random guy in Flagstaff to Brittney
and me: "OH MY GOODNESS!...don't worry I'm gay."
Brittney upon arriving in Flagstaff at night: "It's never this cold in Arizona"
"We are eating brownies in the bathroom and its 2:30 in the morning"
"Its 3 am I must be lonely!"

"You taste like honey bunny tell me can i have your money"

"Brittney, my best friend, my bridesmaid"

Speedo has reversible swimsuits with birds on them!! HAHAHA

Are you an over due book? Because you've got FINE written all over you!

If you were a booger, I'd pick you

Mexican in Space-GREAT MOVIE!! HAHA

"It's off the heazy fo' sheazy"
~Spencer during Drama

You would think that if 6 people were walking in the middle of a parking lot where not many people drive that drivers would avoid us or slow down but no someone tried to run over us and possibly grab us on the way...shit that was scary.

Ryan~your dance at Spring Fling was great!

News: The suspect in this crime is (1st name) Larson.
Ryan: Mr. Larson?

Clinique Happy World-it smells like pollution!

Latoya Jackson is the love child of Michael and Janet Jackson!

I got a brochure in the mail for women past menopause who want sexual desire back in their life! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT??? Crazy-i know!

"Brit-look theres a bananna"
"ON the field?"
"No right there"
"OH"
"yeah, and theres an orange on the ceiling...and a disco ball too!"
"haha"
5 mins. later...."oh look! there really is a disco ball!!!"

Who sings this song?

"Have a nice day and do the right thing"
~A bus driver

"Hi, oh, i have to fine you $5 for your hotness"

If a man comes to your front door saying he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your boobs, do not show him your boobs! This is a scam, and he is only trying to see your boobs.

"Any dessert that doesn't have chocolate is a pointless dessert." ~Kate Beckinshale

"I introduced myself to Tom Brokaw in the NBC gym locker room one day. I said, "I'm the guy from SNL who does an impression of you." He said, "Oh, right, I've heard of that." We had a pleasant conversation actually. He told me about the old days of the show, when Belushi and those guys were on and he used to come and watch it with his daughters...He was not naked, no. I think I waited until he was getting into his gym clothes to talk to him. It's a beautiful body, though. Glorious."

~Chris Parnell

"I know what i believe. I will continue to articulate what i believe and what i believe-I believe what i belive is right."
~George W. Bush (yes, our president)

"We will have a female Terminator basically that is created out of a whole bunch of artificial parts, just like Cher."
~Arnold Schwarzenegger

"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
- Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
- Bill Peterson, football coach

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
- Charles De Gaulle, former French President

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago"
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President

"Don't be afraid of dying, be afraid of the unlived life."
~Tuck, in the movie Tuck Everlasting

"Kids: they know their ABC's and their PRESIDENT"

~George W. Bush Store Website

"See the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time."

~Robin Williams

"I'm not gonna change the way I look or the way I feel to conform to anything. I've always been a freak. So I've been a freak all my life and I have to live with that you know. I'm one of those people."

~John Lennon

We have received intelligence of an enslaved gnome at your place of residence. Whether you have come across this gentle woodland creature through deliberate actions or innocent ignorance, we care not...It is now in a better place.

~A not left by a group calling itself the Gnome Liberation Organization, which has been swiping elfin lawn ornaments in Roseburg, Oregon.

"She said it was pretty big. I'll show you photographs of something pretty small."

~Defense lawyer Gary Asteak in the case againstaccused flasher Robert Peters Sr., a Pennsylvania locksmith who say hes not well-endowed enough to be the culprit.

"Thank you to the 1970s for hooking my folks up and encouraging them to create."

~Jason Mraz's thanks yous in CD liner notes

"thank you to whatever higher power is out there, cause I know you read album sleeves all the time."

~Michelle Branch "Hotel Paper" album sleeve thank yous

"If there was a major internet blackout, nearly one million computer nerds would have to go out and get a life."

~Jay Leno

Kippy Strug (Chris Kattan):...so I said a little prayer for her!

Kerry Strug: You said a little prayer?

Kippy: I said a little prayer!

Kerry: That's so sweet!

Kippy: I know it is, isn't it?

~Kerry Strug with Chris Kattan on WU in 1996

Here are some of my favorite quotes and parts of SNL sketches and movies so enjoy reading them!!!!

"America is dumb, is something like a dumb puppy that has big teeth that can bite and hurt you, aggressive."
~Johnny Depp

"I want you I need you Oh baby Oh baby"
~10 things I hate about you

"There is a difference between like and love because I like my sketchers but I love my prada backpack"
"But I love my sketchers"
"Thats because you don't have a prada backpack"
"OOOH"
~10 things I hate about you

"Chips, salsa and guacamole Derek Jeter's Taco hole"
~SNL sketch with Derek Jeter

"You can't have-a-da Mango"
~Chris Kattan as Mango on SNL

"Belafonte is a crazy mo-fo"
~Darrell Hammond as Chris Matthews on Hardball on SNL

"Hoping to get people to go to museums again, New York City has started a new ad campaign called "I Love New York Culture." But if they want me to back to museums, they should name the campaign "Sorry We Yelled At You For Touching Stuff, Jimmy Fallon." "
~Jimmy Fallon

"This would have never happened if Strom Thurmond was president."
~Tina Fey and Jimmy Fallon on Weekend Update

"I'll take "I Have a Hard-on" for $600."
~Darrell Hammond as Sean Connery on Celeberity Jepordy on SNL

"Cause then like I'm learning comedy on Saturday Night Live and then, if I learn dramatic stuff with directors then I'm like an un-stopable robot."
~Jimmy Fallon

"I miss being in my house. I miss my sheets. I miss my kitchen....I don't cook, but i miss walking into my kitchen."
~Cher

"Follow this bitches"
~Cher

Tim Russert (Darrell Hammond): Let's talk about 20-28.
Sen. John McCain: I'll be 90.
Tim Russert: Alright. It's 2028.. genetic engineering has extended the human lifespan to 200 years. Would a relatively young John McCain challenge a re-animated Jimmy Carter zombie?
Sen. John McCain: Now, President Carter's been a great humanitarian.
Tim Russert: So, John McCain would back down? Are you afraid of Carter eating you?
Sen. John McCain: I don't think that's an accurate-
Tim Russert: So, you're a candidate?
Sen. John McCain: No.. no..
~"Meet the Press" on SNL, host Sen. John McCain

Tim Russert: What if President bush does not run?
Sen. John McCain: I don't see any reason-
Tim Russert: What if he forgets to run?
Sen. John McCain: Alright, Tim.. alright, Tim..
Tim Russert: The President forgets to run for re-election.. and the Republicans are without a candidate. Does John McCain then step in to fill that void?
Sen. John McCain: I would call the President, and remind him to run.
~"Meet the Press" on SNL, host Sen. John McCain

Christina Aguilera(Maya Rudolph): Hey Jimmy, Hi Tina. Wassup, how you feeling?
Tina Fey: We feel great. Now what about you? Your album didn't come out in time to be nominated so how does that make you feel?
CA: Oh, you know its just, (laughs) I don't know I feel like (singing) Noooooooooo, oh oh oh no..
Tina: So...is that good or bad?
CA: Come on Tina boo. You know how we do. Its just like my momma used to say to me, she'd be all like "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, oh, oh, oh, oh"
Tina: I don't know what that means.
CA: Tina girl, I'm an artist. You know? It's like whatever you know, I'm like nobody's puppet or muppet, and you know as far as the Grammy's go I just feel like Maoooooooooooohhhhhh.. ahhhhh, ah , ah ah
Jimmy Fallon: Hang on Tina I think I understtod that. She's saying she is going to watch the awards this year...
(CA begins to sing as Jimmy translates)
Jimmy: from her house..
(CA singing)
Jimmy:Under a pile...
(CA singing)
Jimmy:Under a pile of Orlando Magic basketball players...
(CA singing)
Jimmy:She also says that she heard all the jokes you've been telling about her...
(CA singing)
Jimmy:Biotch!
~Jimmy Fallon, Tina Fey and Maya Rudolph on Weekend Update 2003

Tina Fey: A good friend of ours here at SNL left the show last year and none of us has seen him since. There has been an air of mystery of what he's been up to, here to talk about it, is our own, beloved Will Ferrell!!
Will Ferrell: Hi Tina, hi Jimmy!! Ah, sorry I haven't kept in touch the truth of the matter is, I quit the biz.
Tina Fey: You quit show business??
Will Ferrell: That's right Tina, I quit. Got myself a little place up in little Sonoma . Not too big. I do some farming, raise some organic chickens, make my payments, and hang out with my special lady.
Tina Fey: well, that sounds pretty nice actually.
Will Ferrell: Yeah, it was my girlfriend's idea. I guess she was tired of show business too, and suggested you know what? What am I doing? I should let her tell the story. Ah, Britney, you wanna My new lady Britney Spears everybody!! (Britney comes and sits next to Will) Oops oops oops, I did it again. I fell in love with Miss Britney Spears! Britney Spears: Will, your embarrassing me.
Will Ferrell: I'm sorry, I'm sorry I guess love makes me do crazy things. Jimmy Fallon: So its not Colin Farrell, its Will Ferrell?
Britney Spears: I think we're a little past the dating, Jimmy.
Will Ferrell: Yes, I little past dating. (laughs)
Britney Spears: Yes, yes.
Tina Fey: Now Britney, there's been a lot of crazy rumours about you in the tabloids lately. I read yesterday that your running a Columbian drug car tail, or what are you doing
Britney Spears: I mean, these tabloids are ridiculous really. They follow you around, they take your picture, they rat on every move you make. You know what its like, Tina
Tina Fey: No, no I don't know
Will Ferrell: Listen to me paparazzi! You stay away from my Britney!!
Britney Spears: Now, come on you guys, you can't believe these tabloids. The truth is, I'm living on a farm in Northern California with Will, Will Ferrell here, and I love him so much, he's so funny yes, so funny. Oh, yesterday we were in the barn, and
Will Ferrell: Oh yes, you've gotta listen. This is great, tell it, tell it!!
Britney Spears: Okay, and our cows walking right? Now this poor cow, he's so sick, I mean, me and Will, we know nothing about farming.
Will Ferrell: Yeah, we're horrible farmers. All our animals are sick. All of them
Britney Spears: Yeah, all of them. So I say, ' maybe we should try and milk her' right? So Will says, 'maybe I should try and milk you.'
(Britney and Will both start giggling)
Will Ferrell: Yeah, I did!! I said that!! I can be pretty crazy
Jimmy Fallon: Will, Will!! I thought you were married
Will Ferrell: Jimmy, look who it is!! It's Britney Spears!!
Britney Spears: Jimmy, if only you could know how much I love this man, like
Will Ferrell: I'm gonna cry!!
Britney Spears: Don't cry!!
Will Ferrell: I am gonna cry!! (Britney continually tells him not to cry, and he keeps telling her he's going to cry)
Tina Fey: Gross!! I mean, great!! Will Ferrell and Britney Spears everyone!!
Will Ferrell: Buy our dairy foods!!
~Tina, Jimmy, Will Ferrell and Britney Spears on WU 2003